Allegations and Rum Cakes: A Christmas Play

To relaunch this blog I'm going to post four different stories about Christmas, one on every Sunday leading up to Christmas Eve. The first one is a short one act play about celebrating Christmas with the best intentions but having it all fall to pieces. There are character and set directions which you could skip, but read them to get a little better understanding of the stage. The introduction is also a little dry but please stick with it and the pace picks up rather quickly.

Here it is as promised; the first of four Christmas stories:

Allegations and Rum Cakes: A Christmas Play

“In Sweden (that cold nation at the North end of the world where only blonde people named IKEA live) there is a tradition that on every Christmas Eve Santa Claus, Father Christmas (or Kris Kringle for you American folk), comes to your house and hands out presents to all the good little boys and girls, no matter how old they may be. This is a very important tradition that is not to be taken lightly or to be made fun of, you never know who you might upset, after all; it’s for the children! Now this is not a story about the importance for Swedes to always have Santa Claus at their house for Christmas. This is a story about a nice, quiet, little English (or perhaps Scottish or even American) family who just so happens to be of Nordic heritage. Allegedly.”

   –Read by narrator or written on program.

The cast:

Thomas: A distinguish looking gentleman, properly dressed in a suit, a fine looking man in his prime, with perhaps a little too much liking for alcoholic beverages.

Elizabeth: (Thomas’ wife.) The spitting image the modern woman and wife, dressed in a festive Christmas frock, with a bit of a temper and flare for sarcasm.

Grandma Alice: The family matriarch, also dressed in a festive Christmas frock, with an apron, a high-spirited woman with a full-hearted chortle and an urge to bake whenever she gets nervous.

Jonathan: (Thomas and Elizabeth’s son.) A troubled teenager who’s uncomfortably dressed in the formal attire he’s wearing for the evening.

Charlie: (Thomas and Elizabeth’s son.) A wee boy of maybe 8 or 9 who doesn’t care what he’s wearing as long as there are sweeties close at hand, but nevertheless is also dressed formally.

Sarah: (Jonathan’s friend.) A gothic girl who’s not quite sure why Santa Claus is of such importance, dressed all in black semi-formal attire.

Charles: (Thomas’ older brother.) Not a distinguished looking gentleman, he shares his brother’s love of alcoholic beverages but lacks his tolerance of it. Dressed in a Santa Claus costume.

The set:

Grandma Alice’s living room fully decorated for Christmas. At the back wall there’s a fireplace with a mantelpiece on top of which there’s an urn, a bottle of whisky and various other nick-knacks. Just to the right of the fireplace there’s an armchair.

   Rather central to the back wall there’s a fully decorated Christmas tree with lots of presents underneath it, and to the left of the tree we find the door leading to the foyer (hallway).

   At the front left side of the stage there’s a table with some Christmas goodies, on each side of the table there’s an armchair, and behind the table there’s a sofa facing the audience. The door leading to the kitchen is on the left wall close to the sofa.

   On the right side of the room there’s a bar fully stocked with various beverages, and close to the bar we find the door leading to the rest of the house.

The lights come on to a living room fully decorated for Christmas. The kitchen door opens and a woman who looks like she could be someone’s grandmother hurries out. This woman is moving about the room rather rapidly, she’s reorganizing bottles at the bar, shifting a few ornaments around on the Christmas tree and as she’s doing so she’s mumbling little things to herself, things like “that’s better,” “oh, I rather like that, nice and tidy”.

   Suddenly she stops at the fireplace where she’s dusting off the urn with a piece of cloth that she just removed from the pocket on her apron. She moves the urn around a bit, until she’s happy with it.

Grandma Alice: (to the urn) “There! There you are, Arthur. Nice and tidy, right in your spot, you are!” (She takes a quick look at her watch) “Oh, heavens me, my mince pies!”

   She hurries towards the kitchen door, but half way there she stops. It looks like she’s forgotten something. She’s searching through the apron pocket again until she finds something, something that she’s holding onto inside the pocket as she returns to the fireplace. She’s looking around the room as if to make sure that she’s alone, then she pulls her hand out from the apron to reveal a fairly good sized shot-glass, and with a big grin she pours herself a shot of whisky from the bottle next to the urn, and just before she swallows the shot she raises the glass to the urn and says: “Happy Christmas, Arthur!”  Down the shot goes and she lets out a big happy sigh of delight.

   She quickly pulls out the piece of cloth again and “cleans” out the shot-glass before she puts both items back in her pocket. She has another look at her watch and exclaims: “Oh, right!” but this time she hurries all the way back out into the kitchen.

Just after Grandma Alice has left the room we hear people chatting, and laughing, and making noise as they make their way through the door leading to the foyer. First to enter is Thomas.

Thomas: (Shouting)” Mother! We’re here now. Get yourself away from that stove long enough to greet us!” Thomas claps his hands together and rubs them in delight, and then he points to the bar. “Ah, I don’t mind if I do!” Upon which he goes to the bar and pours himself a drink.

   Just behind Thomas follows his wife, and as she enters the room Grandma Alice returns from the kitchen.

Grandma Alice: “Thomas? Is that you?” Alice and Elizabeth see each other, and greets with an embrace “Elizabeth! You’re here! I’m so happy to see you! Did you get here alright?”

Elizabeth: “Oh yes, fine, fine. Thank you grandma Alice. The roads were a bit icy, but I managed.”

Grandma Alice: “Oh dear, don’t tell me that you drove all this way?”

Elizabeth: “Well, you know. Someone had to. And with Thomas drinking there was only me, Charlie is a little too young just yet, don’t you think?”

Grandma Alice: “But you’re staying over, there’s no need for Thomas to be driving home tonight.”

Elizabeth: (Sarcastically) “Well, apparently there was a need for him to start drinking at home.”

Thomas: (Raises his glass) “Never too early to start celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ.” (He moves over to the fireplace, and addresses the urn.) “Isn’t that right father?”

Thomas: (To grandma Alice) “Will you have one, mother? One of father’s favourites?” (he taps the bottle gently).

Grandma Alice: “Oh, no! Heavens no. You know I never touch that stuff!” (She says with a full-hearted chortle) “Hohoho.”

Thomas: (Sarcastically) “Right …”(He says whilst patting the urn)

Grandma Alice: “Oh, Thomas, be careful around granddad! Come on over here and give us a hug instead, you silly goose!”

Grandma Alice goes to embrace Thomas as Elizabeth shouts through the door from which she just entered.

Elizabeth: “Come along children, hurry up and greet your grandmother!” Through the door walks Jonathan, with a rather grim look on his face.

Jonathan: “Come on, mum. I’m hardly a child anymore.”

Elizabeth: (Grabs his face a bit) “Well, you’ll always be my child. Wipe that frown of your face and go hug your grandmother!”

   Jonathan goes to over to grandma Alice who immediately throws her arms around him in a big embrace.

Grandma Alice: “Jonathan! You’ve grown so much! Look at you, how handsome you are.” (She also grabs his face to Jonathan’s dislike.)

   In through the door runs Charlie.

Charlie: “Grandma!” He runs over to grandma Alice and gives her a big hug.

Grandma Alice: “Oh, Charlie! You’ve grown so big and handsome as well!”

Charlie: “Oh, no, I ‘aven’t, I’m just as little as ever. Just a little brown-noser, Jonathan says.”

Grandma Alice: “Oh, Jonathan! Such language! We can’t have any of that.”

   Suddenly a teenage girl (with heavy make up) appears in the door.

Elizabeth: “Oh, come in, dear. Grandma Alice, this is Sarah, a friend of Jonathan’s.”

Thomas: (Whispers loudly to grandma Alice) “His girlfriend we think.”

Jonathan: “Never mind, dad!”

Sarah: (As she’s walking over to grandma Alice with her arm extended for a hand shake) “Hello, Mrs McDougal, I’m Sarah. It’s so nice to meet you.”

Grandma Alice: “Call me grandma Alice dear, or just Alice if you mind calling me grandma. So you’re Jonathan’s girlfriend?”

Jonathan (Sighs)

Sarah: “Oh, no, Mrs McDougal, erhm.. Alice, we’re just friends.”

Thomas: (Sarcastically) “Right…”

Grandma Alice: “Oh well, it’s so nice to meet you, so lovely to have you all here, finally. I’d better get back to the kitchen. Charlie, would you like to help grandma? And maybe have a sweetie or two?”

Charlie: (Very excited) “Oh, would I?! I think I’d better ‘ave two then!”

   Charlie runs through the kitchen door, followed by grandma Alice.

Thomas, who has finished his drink, pours himself another one from the bottle on the mantelpiece.

Thomas: (To Elizabeth) “Would you like one, dear?”

Jonathan: (Cuts in) “I’ll have one!”

Elizabeth: “No you won’t! But I will, but not that. I’ll have a gin and tonic from the bar.” (She moves over to the bar and makes herself the drink.)

Thomas: “Sorry, son. Your mum says no.”

Jonathan: “Never mind. Come on, Sarah.” (He grabs her by the arm and takes her over to the sofa where they sit down.)

   Grandma Alice comes back through the door.

Grandma Alice: (To Charlie in the kitchen)” Don’t eat too many, dear. You’ll spoil dinner.” (Whispers loudly) “Pssst! Thomas! Where’s Charles? I thought he was coming with you?”

Thomas: (Makes no effort to lower his voice) “He said he just had to go and pick up the Santa costume.”

Grandma Alice: “Shhhhh! Not so loud! Charlie will hear you!”

   Suddenly a loud voice is heard from he foyer door.

Charles: “Hello? Is anybody home? Ho. Ho. Ho.” (Charles, dressed as Santa Claus, comes through the door.) “Merry Christmas!” (Loud and drunkenly) “Are there any sweet little boys and girls in this house who wants something good from Santa?”

Grandma Alice: “Shhhh! You buffoon! You’re too early! Charlie will hear you!”

Thomas: “Never mind Charlie. Think of the police! You sound like a first rate kiddie-fiddler, asking for sweet children, the police will arrest you on the spot.” (He takes a sip from his drink) “That’d be the ticket, dear brother. You getting arrested as a paedophile, in a Santa costume no less!”

Jonathan: (Listening from the sofa) “I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time!” (To Sarah who looks surprised) “Not him. I’m suspicious of Santas in general.”

Grandma Alice: “Never mind all that! Charles! Look at you! Drunk! On Christmas Eve! And dressed as Father Christmas on top of everything! I can’t even imagine what your father would say!”

Charles: (Slurring) “Tradition?” (Charles stumbles over to the urn)  “Isn’t that right father?”

Grandma Alice: “Oh, hush you!” (To Thomas) “Hurry up and get him out of that suit, before Charlie gets in here! I’ll go and see to him and you get Charles out of here! (She goes back to the kitchen.)

Thomas: Downs his drink. “Right! Come along brother; let’s get you out of these clothes.”

Charles: “Already? But I have haven’t given out any presents yet. I just got here.” (He tries to move towards the kitchen door) “Shouldn’t I at least wish the boy a happy Christmas?”

Thomas: “If he sees you like this he’ll be scarred for life…” (Thomas takes Charles’ arm around his own neck and is leading him towards the door leading to the bedrooms) “…And with me as his father that’s pretty much a guarantee as it is. Elizabeth, darling, would you help me, please?”

   Elizabeth who has just been standing there, sipping her drink and enjoying the scene, puts the drink down and goes to Thomas’ aid and the two of them is leading Charles through the room.

Charles: “But I don’t want to leave. I should ask the children if they have been good or bad and give them presents.” (He’s exhaling in Thomas’ face. )

Thomas: “Not with that breath you won’t! They’ll get drunk of your fumes.”

   Charles has stopped them dead in their track and he’s refusing to move any further.

Charles: “I’m Santa Claus, Goddamn it! I have a job to do! For the sake of the children!”

Thomas: “You should have a lay down first!”

Charles: “No, I wont!”

Thomas: “Yes, you will! Or mother will have one of her fits and you’ll ruin Christmas for all of us!”

Charles: “I’m Santa Claus, Goddamn it!”

   Elizabeth grabs a bottle of gin from the bar and is using it to lure Charles.

Elizabeth: “Oh, Santa! Look at what I’ve got! Come over here and you can have some! “

   Charles stumbles toward her, and she steps back a bit.

Elizabeth: “Ah, you almost had it!”

   She’s moving closer to the door, and Charles follows

Elizabeth: “Getting closer now!”

   Charles takes a big leap and he catches the bottle, which makes him stumble halfway through the door. He’s standing in the doorway trying to regain his balance, until Elizabeth pushes him through the door and we hear him fall with a big bang.

Elizabeth: “I ought to have knocked him out with the bottle, would’ve been quicker.”

Thomas: “Hear, hear!” Claps his hands together and rubs them in delight “Now you go and get him out of that suit! But be gentle, he is rather smashed after all and I wouldn’t want you to take advantage of my dear brother in his weakened condition, now would I? In the mean time I shall stay here and pour myself another drink.” He catches Elizabeth’s eyes and she’s standing with her arms crossed looking anything but amused. “Erhm, I mean look after the children…”

Elizabeth: Grabs Thomas by the collar. “Not on your life!” She chucks Thomas through the door and leaves the room behind him.

Jonathan and Sarah have been witnessing the whole scene from the sofa and only starts to talk to each other now that they are alone.

  

Sarah: “Your family is rather nuts, huh?”

Jonathan: (Sarcastically) “What was your fist clue?”

Sarah: “Do you still think it’s such a good idea to tell them tonight? They’ll probably freak as it is.”

Jonathan: “Why not? It’s the perfect time. If they’re happy about it they’re drinking already, and if they get upset they probably won’t remember it in the morning anyway. It’s the same thing every year; gran makes too much to eat, they drink too much for their own good, and we fight over who has to get in the Santa suit next year. Uncle Charles always loses by the way.”

Sarah: “Yeah… What’s this thing with Santa coming to your house every year? Your grandma seemed very set on it.”

Jonathan: “She is. It’s a Swedish thing. Apparently it’s very important that Santa Claus comes to each house and gives out the Christmas presents, you know; it’s for the children.”

Sarah: “I had no idea you’re Swedish.”

Jonathan: “We’re not.”

   Grandma Alice comes through the kitchen door. She’s carrying a bowl and she’s whisking something.

Grandma Alice: “Did they get Charles out of the suit?”

Jonathan: “I don’t know, they just left. I think they took him to bed.”

Grandma Alice: Still whisking. “Good, good… Jonathan! Do you know if your parents remembered to bring a bottle of rum and a bottle of whisky? It’s for the cakes I’m making…”

Jonathan: “I think so. I think they left them out in the hall… I can go and get them if you’d like?”

Grandma Alice: “Would you be so sweet? Thank you, dear. I’m just about to make some rum cakes.”

   Jonathan gets up and leaves to fetch the bottles.

Grandma Alice: (To Sarah) “Are you enjoying yourself, dear?”

Sarah: “Yes, thank you, Mrs. McDougal. You have a lovely home.”

Grandma Alice: “Thank you, dear. That’s very kind of you. There’s plenty of food and sweeties in the kitchen if you would like some. And there should be some juice or something for you to drink over at the bar as well… Would you please tell Jonathan to bring the bottles into the kitchen? I have to get back to the stove.” Grandma Alice leaves.

Sarah: (To herself) “Don’t mind if I do…” She gets up from the sofa and heads to the bar where she grabs a bottle. “Whisky! There was something for me to drink, indeed…” She pours herself a glass, and adds some coke on top of it.

   Jonathan comes back into the room as Sarah returns to the sofa.

Sarah: “Your gran wanted you to bring the booze into the kitchen.” As Jonathan delivers the bottles Sarah’s sipping her drink and she's enjoying herself.

   Jonathan returns and slams himself down next to Sarah on the sofa.

Jonathan: “What’s that you’re drinking?”

Sarah: “Whisky coke.”

Jonathan: “Should you really be drinking alcohol?”

Sarah: “I think I’ll need more than ever now that you’re going to tell them tonight. I think we’ll both need it.” She hands the drink to Jonathan who finish it all upon which Sarah takes back the glass and heads to the bar to make another one.

Thomas and Elizabeth returns, they’re talking and laughing and they don’t notice Sarah at the bar. Thomas is drinking straight from Charles’ gin bottle.

Elizabeth: “I’m sure of it! One-hundred-percent sure of it! I’m sure your great-uncle Gustav was Swedish!”

Thomas: He takes a swig from the bottle and let’s out a big sigh. “Nope, he was just a drunk.” Thomas sits down in the armchair on the right side of the table.

Elizabeth: Is glancing at Thomas “Imagine that…” (Sarcastically) “You’re great-uncle was a drunk.”

Thomas: (Sincerely) “I know. It must have been a windy day when that apple fell from the family tree.”

Elizabeth: (Sarcastically) “Right…” She notices Sarah at the bar. “Sarah dear. What’s that you’re drinking?”

Sarah: “It’s just a glass of coke, Mrs McDougal. Would you like one?”

Elizabeth: “Yes, please. But would you be a dear and pour some whisky in mine?” Elizabeth takes her seat on the sofa next to Jonathan.

Jonathan: “Can you get me one too?”

Sarah: “Sure, no problem.” She takes out two more glasses and visibly pour whisky and coke in both of them, she carries all three glasses to the table and hands them out.

Sarah: “Here we are, a glass of coke for you, Jonathan. And ONE with whisky for you, Mrs. McDougal.” She takes her seat in the remaining armchair next to Jonathan.

Thomas: (To Elizabeth) “What were we talking about?”

Elizabeth: “Your so-called Swedish heritage, or lack of it as it would seem.”

Thomas: “No, no. I’m sure we’re Swedish, somewhere down the line… My aunt Sophia for instance; She was tall, beautiful, blonde, she had blue eyes, great bone structure.” He makes hand gestures to indicate large breasts. “She was built like a house, if you know what I mean?”

   Grandma Alice returns from the kitchen.

Thomas: “Mother! You must know! Aunt Sophia was Swedish, wasn’t she?”

Grandma Alice: “No, aunt Sophia was a slut , that’s what she was.”

Thomas: “Ah, well. There you go!” He takes another swig from the bottle.

Grandma Alice: Still with her bowl and whisk. “The rum cakes are taking a little longer than I had expected, they got a little runnier than they usually do.”

Elizabeth: “I’m sure they’re fine. You shouldn’t be baking so much anyway.”

Grandma Alice: “I have to. I bake when I get nervous and I want everything to be just right tonight… Did you get the Santa suit off Charles?”

Thomas: “We did. But it wasn’t pretty. Thank God I inherited father’s good looks and physique.”

Elizabeth: (To herself, but loud enough for everyone to hear)”Among other things…”

Grandma Alice: “Do you think you could put on the suit this year then? It would be so good to have Father Christmas here as usual. You know, for the children.”

Jonathan: “What children? There’s only Charlie, and he’s probably spaced out on sugar already. Any more excitement would probably kill the little bugger.”

Elizabeth: “Hush, you! Don’t talk about your brother like that.” (To Grandma Alice) “We’ll sort it out. Thomas or Jonathan will wear the suit.”

Thomas & Jonathan: “No we won’t!”

Grandma Alice: “Thank you, dear. I better get back to my cookies.” She leaves.

Jonathan: “Cookies? Wasn’t she making a cake?”

Thomas: “If that…” He gets off his chair. “Oh, well. I better put on a pot of coffee.”

Elizabeth: (Snarky) “You drink coffee on Christmas? That’s a first!”

Thomas: “Don’t be sill!” He takes a final swig from the bottle and puts it on the table. “It’s for Charles! He better sober up, because there’s no way in hell I’m getting in that costume.”

Jonathan: “Actually dad. Could you bring gran back out here when get the coffee. There’s something I should tell all of you.”

Thomas: “Sure thing, son.” Thomas goes to the kitchen.

Sarah: (Leaning over to Jonathan)” Now?! You’re going to tell them now? I don’t think I’m ready for this!”

Jonathan: (Whispers to Sarah) “The sooner the better. I think they’ll figure it out soon enough anyway, don’t you?”

   Thomas return with grandma Alice, who is still whisking.

Grandma Alice: “What is it now that’s so important? I’m trying to get everything ready.”

Jonathan: He gets up from the sofa.  “You can sit here grandma, there’s something I have to tell all of you.”

    Thomas goes to the bar.

Thomas: “A drink, anyone?”

Elizabeth: “I think we’re good.”

Thomas: (Happily) “I’ll just have one by myself then.”

Elizabeth: (Sarcastically) “Shocking!”

Grandma Alice: Now seated, but still whisking. “What is this all about? I don’t really have the time…”

Jonathan: “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Elizabeth: (Concerned) “Well, what is it, son?”

Jonathan: “Well, first of all I want to tell Sarah how grateful I am to have her here with me when I tell you, it can’t be easy for her to be here with all of you for this.”

Elizabeth: (Shouts out) “Oh my God! She’s pregnant!”

Sarah: A fountain of whisky coke spurts out from her mouth and all over the table.

Grandma Alice: Stone faced hands Sarah the piece of cloth from her apron “There you go, dear.”

Thomas: “She’s pregnant? Well done my son!” (Happily) “You’re even a year younger than I was when I knocked up your mum!”

Jonathan: “No no no no no no no no, no, NO, no. She’s not pregnant! I’m just gay is all!”

   A few seconds of silence, except for grandma Alice’s whisking.

Elizabeth: (Exclaims) “Oh, thank God!”

Thomas: Raises his glass.” Good for you, son! Come over here and give your old man a hug!” Jonathan goes to embrace his father.

Thomas: “Now, let’s make you a real drink to celebrate!”

Sarah: (As she’s wiping clean the table, with shock in her voice) “You’re happy about this?”

Thomas: “Sure! Why not? The rumour has it that half this bloody family was full of gays. In fact I used to think I was one.” (To Jonathan)” They’re not as uptight about sex, and when to have it, as women are…” (He’s looking deep in thought) “The only problem was that I like women too much… That kinda put an end to it.”

   Another few seconds of silence, except for the whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk… Grandma Alice looks like she’s not heard a think that’s just been said.

Jonathan walks back over to grandma Alice and puts his hand on her shoulder.

Jonathan: “Grandma? Did you hear me? You’re looking a little pale.”

Grandma Alice: (whisking furiously) “Hrm, what was that, dear?”

Jonathan: “Did you hear me? It’s not so bad, I’m just gay.”

Grandma Alice: “Fine, fine. I’m glad that at least someone’s happy about being here for Christmas, I’ve been working so hard and no one seems to appreciate it.”

Elizabeth: “Oh God, she’s blown a fuse! All that baking finally got to her. Slap her face, will you? If that doesn’t help call the nut-house…”

Jonathan: “Not gay as in happy, gran. Gay as in liking other boys.”

Thomas: (Shouting from across the room) “H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L, mother! You know, as in half this family.”

Grandma Alice: “They were no such things!”

Thomas: “What about all those rumours? About the McDougal men dressing up in high-heels, leather skirts and laced bras when they went cruising for men over at MacLaren’s pub?”

Grandma Alice: “Those are just vicious rumours spread by a bunch of gossiping fishwives, just talk and nothing else.”

Thomas: “I don’t think that’s true.” (He’s started to slur a little) “When I was a kid I heard these rumours about an Arthur McDougal who liked to dress up in miniskirts and high-heels and pick up men down at MacLaren’s… But it must have been great-grandfather Arthur, because I never saw father dressed up like that. Therefore I assume that my great-grandfather Arthur must have been gay.”

Grandma Alice: “No he wasn’t gay, he was just… Swedish.”

   Another quick silence where we only hear that infernal whisking…

Jonathan: “Are you okay,  grandma?”

Grandma Alice: “Fine, fine” (chortles) “Hohoho… I should get back to the kitchen. All this talk about homosexuals has made me all nervous again. I should go and check on my rum cakes.”

   Grandma Alice gets up and leaves, still whisking though…

Thomas: “Now, how about that drink, son?”

   Jonathan goes to the bar, followed by Sarah,

Elizabeth: “We should check on Charles.”

Thomas: (While mixing drinks) “Good idea, sweetheart. We need a Santa Claus, for Charlie’s sake.”

Elizabeth: “Or to make sure that he’s not, you know, dead.”

   Grandma Alice comes back, without her bowl and whisk.

Grandma Alice: “Thomas! Would you hand me that bottle of whisky from the bar. The rum cakes are ruined so I’ve decided to make a fruitcake.”

Thomas: “Another one?” He taps Jonathan’s shoulder. “When we have a fine one right here!”

Jonathan: “Dad!”

Thomas: “Hehehe. I’m sorry son, I couldn’t resist. Had she decided to make a delicious little tart I would have called upon your mother.”

Elizabeth: “Or a gin-soaked pound-cake, yourself?”

Thomas: “Exactly!” He grabs the whisky bottle and hands it to Sarah. Would you please give this to grandma Alice?”

   Sarah goes over with the bottle, Grandma Alice leaves as soon as she gets it.

Thomas: (To Jonathan)” So, son. Is that one (pointing to Sarah) your boyfriend then? You know I thought he had a little too much makeup for a girl.”

Sarah: Who has returned. “No, I’m a girl, Mr. McDougal. Don’t you remember coming onto me? And grabbing my ass, twice, before we even left your house?”

Thomas: “Did I? Oh my…” He hands a drink to Sarah and goes over to Elizabeth. “Did you hear that, my darling? Whatever are we going to do about me?”

Elizabeth: “We could have you fixed. Although I doubt it would help.” Smiling. “Could be fun though.”

Jonathan: (To his parents)”Don’t you think it’s weird that gran asked for another bottle of whisky for her cakes? I just gave her the one we brought.”

Elizabeth: “Yes. And usually you have to soak the fruit for days before you even make the cake.” Nonchalantly sips her drink.

   Thomas has now sat down next to his wife.

Thomas: “There were only empty bottles in the kitchen, so my guess would be that she’s been soaking herself more than the cakes.”

Jonathan: “But gran doesn’t drink.”

Thomas: Raises his glass to his son and smiles. “No more than I do, cheers!”

Sarah: (To Jonathan)”So, how does it feel to finally have told them?”

Jonathan: “Okay, I guess. Not quite the reaction I thought I’d get.”

Sarah: “For a while there I thought you never would tell them. I thought maybe you’d change your mind.”

Jonathan: “About what?”

Sarah: “I thought maybe you were having second thoughts.” She puts her hand on Jonathan’s arm.

Jonathan: (Confused and uncomfortable) “About what?”

Sarah: “That you maybe would like to try it with a girl first?”

Jonathan: Starting to slowly back away, Sarah follows. “What? No, no, no, no. I’m gay!”

Sarah: “Are you sure?”

Jonathan: “Yes.”

Sarah: “Absolutely sure?”

Jonathan: “Yes!”

   They back up against the fireplace.

Sarah: “Maybe you just haven’t tried it with the right girl!”

   She downs the rest of her drink, jumps him and plants a big kiss on his lips, causing the two of them to fall back against the mantelpiece and knock over a few nick-knacks.

Elizabeth: (Looks up from the sofa) “Jonathan! Be careful around granddad!”

   Jonathan brakes free from Sarah, he runs across the room and out towards the bedrooms.

Sarah: “Jonathan! Come back here!” She runs after him.

Thomas: (To Elizabeth)”What the devil was all that about?”

 The kitchen door opens and Charlie enters, followed by a clearly drunk grandma Alice.

Grandma Alice: “On you go.” (Chortles) “Hohoho. Have a seat and, hick, grandma Alice will get you something sweet to eat.” Charlie sits down in the armchair closest to him (left side of the table).

   Grandma Alice stumbles across the room to the urn, where she takes out her piece of cloth once again and starts to dust it off.

Grandma Alice: “Hick! There you are, Arthur. Nice and tidy. Hick. Merry Christmas Arthur.”

Elizabeth: “Good God. Now she’s sloshed! What next?”

Charles: “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!” Charles enters from the bedroom door, wearing only a T-shirt, underwear, socks and a Santa hat on his head, still clearly drunk. “Are there any good little boys or girls… Who would like some, eh, presents?”

Thomas: “No, but a bunch of naughty ones. But we’ll have some presents anyway, thank you!”

Grandma Alice: “Hick. Charles! Go back to bed!”

   Charles stumbles into the room.

Charles: (Staring at Thomas, not unlike the stare of a drunk, stupid cow) “No good little boys?” He stumbles over to the Christmas tree, where he manage to pick up a gift from underneath it, and starts to read the label. “Merry.. Christmas… Alice…” Charles falls into the tree, knocking it over completely, scattering gifts and ornaments everywhere.

Grandma Alice: “Oh, Charles!!”

Thomas: “Hehehehe.”

   Charles is trying to get up but only makes everything worse.

Grandma Alice: “Charles! You buffoon!  Get away from there!”

   Charles manage to get on his feet, he walks over to grandma Alice, he stops in front of her where he’s trying to keep his balance.

Charles: “I’m sorry, mother.”

Grandma Alice: (Very up set) “You have ruined Christmas! Look at Charlie! He’s devastated!” She points to the boy.

Charlie: (HUGE SMILE) He’s giggling, and has been ever since Charles fell into the tree.

Grandma Alice: “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Charles: “Just trying to enjoy myself.”

   Grandma Alice grabs the urn in a flash and chucks all the ash in Charles face.

Thomas & Elizabeth: (Loudly gasping for air)

Elizabeth: “Grandma Alice!! What about granddad!!”

   Grandma Alice calmly dusts of some ashes from herself, she replaces the urn, she grabs the bottle of whisky from the mantelpiece and takes a swig.

Grandma Alice: (Given up all pretence) “That wasn’t Arthur. I threw him out years ago.” She takes another swig. “I caught the bastard cheating on me… Wearing my shoes, my undies, and my feather boa down at MacLaren’s.”

Thomas: “AHA!” Jumps up from his seat. “I knew it!”

Charles: Covered in dust/ash. “But, what about me?”

Elizabeth: She gets up from the sofa. “Come here, you!” She helps Charles to the sofa, where he lays face down.

   Grandma Alice slumps down, with her bottle, in the armchair next to the fireplace. Elizabeth goes to the bar. Thomas is looking very delighted; he’s walking around the sofa and stops behind it and stares down at his brother.

Thomas: “Ah, look at him now; So peaceful. Grandfather Thomas would have been so proud of him.”

Charlie: “But I thought granddad’s name was Arthur?”

Thomas: “Not him. My grandfather Thomas, I was named after him.”

Grandma Alice: “A drunken whoremonger, he was!”

Elizabeth: “Grandma Alice! Such language!”

Grandma Alice: “Well he was…”

Charlie: (To Thomas) “Why do you have the same name as he did, dad?”

Thomas: “It’s a tradition in this family. And we usually follow them straight down the same life.”

Charlie: “So, who am I named after then?”

Thomas: (Slaps Charles on the bum) “This guy right here!”

Charlie: “Oh, bugger!”

We here Sarah’s voice.

Sarah: “Jonathan! Come back here!”

   Jonathan comes running through the bedroom door, with his trousers in his hand, lipstick smeared all over his face, his hair is all messy. He stops when he sees the mess.

Jonathan: “What happened here?”

Thomas: “What happened to you?”

   Sarah comes running through the door. Her lipstick is smeared and her hair is also in a mess.

Thomas: (Calmly) “Never mind.”

The door to the foyer opens, and a man enters.

Santa Claus: “HO, HO, HO! Merry Christmas!”

   Everyone is confused and they’re searching the room with their eyes, Thomas is counting everyone on his fingers.

Santa Claus: “Are there any good little boys and girls here who have been extra good this year?”

Charlie: Jumps up from his chair “I ‘ave, I’ave!” He runs over to Santa Claus.

Santa Claus: “Well, let’s see.”

   Santa is searching through his sack and he brings out a rather large present. “Ah, here it is!” Reading the label. “Merry Christmas, Charlie!” (To Charlie.) “Are you Charlie?”

Charlie: “Yes I am, Santa.”

Santa Claus: “It says it’s from Santa Claus. That’s me, Charlie. You have been a good boy then, haven’t you?” Santa Claus is looking around the room and he stops at each and everyone. “Unlike the rest of you…” He hands the gift to Charlie.

Charlie: “Thank you Santa!”

Santa Claus: “I’d better be going now, I have many more houses to visit tonight, but I’ll see you again next year, Charlie!” Santa Claus leaves.

Thomas: “Who the hell was that?”

   Charlie brings the gift back and slumps down in his chair again.

Charlie: “That was Santa Claus, silly!”

Thomas: (To Elizabeth) “But… Who got him here?”

Elizabeth: (Shrugs)

Charlie: “I did! I phoned 555-dial-a-Santa. I knew if I wanted a Santa I had to get one myself, you lot always manage to bugger it up! It’s important to have a Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. You know, for my sake!”

The End.

This is just a short one act play, if it's any good I think it could be extended to two longer acts with a larger cast. The plot/intrigues would probably benefit from being longer where certain elements would be emphasized (e.g. being careful around granddad, hinting on a pregnancy to make Jonathan's announcement more out of the blue, ect.) and the drunkenness of everyone would be drawn out, now it's a little much. But I posted the play as it is because I think it would work as it is among other sketches or short plays, and because as I've said before (I don't remember if I wrote it on the blog) I'm not going to post any "larger" pieces of work on the blog since I don't know how copyrights and such things work; I wouldn't want to loose something that I've spent a long time writing someone else. This is all depending on it being any good to begin with, because I have no idea. I'm not used to writing things that are supposed to be funny, it's not really my thing. So therefore I picked out stuff that I find funny, I love slapstick, but it's not like I was laughing when I wrote it. I did enjoy writing it though and I hope others will enjoy it too.